how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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