if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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