I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
