I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Welp...herpes.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
