my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
