Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
