She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is classic penis vs brain.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
