Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
