Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
