I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
