I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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