I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's blow job season.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
