Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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