A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize