Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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