I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
