Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
