he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
