I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize