i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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