I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
