The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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