The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
