It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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