I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
