chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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