Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You ruined the universe
Randomize