We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
