the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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