what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
im six kinds of drunk right now
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
