I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
