Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she told me i tasted like america
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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