Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
