***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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