We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
