Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
