I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize