My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
