Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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