I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
