So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
