my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize