Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
