I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
