mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
