I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have surprise drugs for everyone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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