I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
