i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Are we still banned from the library?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
