did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
