I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
