My sheets look like a crime scene.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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