he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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