i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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