Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
