i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
